As some of you may know, I have been struggling for about two years now with a neck injury from playing violin too much and too hard in undergrad. I was pulling way too much of the weight in the orchestra I was in and it was never enough for the director. He always wanted me to play louder, more hours, louder and more hours.
When they say being a music major is hard, they aren't kidding. But hard should not equate pain or tolerating manipulation. I don't regret my degree. It was a dream come true, but it cost me a lot. I had to figure out how I was going to deal with the pain, and I wasn't sure it was ever going away. I was carrying Advil and ice packs around everywhere, but no one stopped me. I told my teachers and orchestral conductor I was in pain, but they didn't seem to hear me.
It finally got so bad at the beginning of this year that I had to stop playing violin all together. I couldn’t move my neck, and I was living at a 8-10 pain level everyday, but Music majors aren’t taught to stop... Only to keep playing! No matter what. Keep playing! I kept thinking if I played less, it would get better, but once I graduated with my BA in Music, I stopped playing violin almost entirely and only played in my students' lessons, but it was still too painful. I was good at acting like everything was fine. I played with students until I couldn’t, then I started singing with them. Some students noticed and some didn't. I would record videos for them, but they didn’t know how many takes it took me to be able to play a 5 minute piece cause I had to stop so many times.
I couldn’t believe this was happening. Violin and I had been best friends for so long. What if I had really messed it up, and I never played again? I was so angry. This professor had ruined my life, my career, and the one thing I had always been sure of. I couldn't cope. Violin was my coping mechanism. I was trapped in my own life.
Early this year I finally decided to see a doctor. They took an X-ray, told me I had Bone Spurs in my neck, and it was completely straight. I had no curve in my neck at all. It was also affecting my right arm, and I had lost feeling in it. I was either in so much pain that I couldn’t use my right arm or it was so numb that I couldn’t feel things to pick them up.
So I decided to get PT. It was really hard accepting that I wasn’t getting better. The PT said that I had damaged my neck badly, but she was gonna do what she could to help me. I was looking at the possibility of PTSD in my nervous system because of the injury, surgery was a last resort, but I was terrified. What if that was my only option? They were also concerned there was a piece of bone floating around irritating the nerves. I was told an MRI would be needed to rule out all of these possibilities.
I went to a hand specialist, and she told me my nerves weren't damaged, but I needed to continue in PT.
Yesterday marked 5 long rollercoaster like months of PT. Walking this out and trying to figure out how to live in the after of this injury. I was just afraid I’d lost violin forever. But, still trying to figure out how to let go of the trauma that had caused the injury and forgive the professor regardless of whether I played again or not.
I went in yesterday for a normal appointment and then my PT looked at me and she said, “You just passed.” I was confused and I asked what she meant. “She said you can play again. Your neck is fine and now you just have to build back up to playing more hours a day. By the end of August you shouldn’t have any restrictions on playing time.”
I literally just sobbed. I couldn’t stop crying. I did it. God healed me and I was gonna be okay. I hadn’t lost everything and the controlling professor that made me keep going hadn’t won in ruining my career.
So moral of the story is... Music major's need to learn how to stop. Professors need to learn to recognize the signs. If your professor asks you to play through the pain. Say no. Don't be afraid of losing your scholarship. Don't let them manipulate you through grades. Just say no. It feels really hard, but trust me... what's harder is thinking that you lost it all. Thinking that it's over and you're never gonna play again... living at a 10 pain level and that becoming normal. If it comes down to playing for the rest of your life and playing for this concert. The concert isn't that important. Playing forever is. Take care of yourself.
As teachers, we have to be incredibly careful not to encourage bad technique. If you are unsure of what good technique is, then you shouldn't be teaching that instrument/ensemble. Let the student challenge themselves and learn when you're pushing too hard. Be the adult and help them to get medical attention. Encourage them to listen to the doctor instead of threatening to take grades or scholarships. As teachers it's up to us to make sure that our students are at their best.
I cannot stress enough how important it is to make sure that you are careful with yourself. You only get one body. You only get one life. RESPECT YOURSELF. If this stuff is happening to you it IS NOT YOUR FAULT. But, you need to reach out to a doctor or another adult in your life who can help you. Don't keep playing through the pain. God has much better for you. This is not where life ends. It's just the beginning of a story like mine that you'll get to tell while playing at your best because "they" don't win... It just feels like they do for a time.
This journey hasn't been easy, but I'm here. I made it! I can finally play and not feel like I'm ruining my chances of playing again. I can build back up and not be in pain. Today is the day!! I wasn't sure I could get here, but here I am!
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